Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
