come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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