I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
