she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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