Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
