he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
