I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
