and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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