If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
