hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
