im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
