Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
