Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
