I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
