i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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