Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
