Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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