you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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