my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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