mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
