why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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