i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
