True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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