the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
