Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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