Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
