You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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