Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
