i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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