my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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