She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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