You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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You're like the curious george of whores
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize