the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
