the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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