Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
