Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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