who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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