Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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