If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
