I like my sex mixed with concussions.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
