I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
