just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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