she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
