U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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