My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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