i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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