I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
