my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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