Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My liver just had a heart attack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
