Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
