I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize