I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
