you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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