I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
