took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
