Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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